Friday, July 5, 2013
My Mommy Guilt
I'm about to get real-
So I have read other blogs & seen other friends post their mommy guilt! We all have it! Were not doing enough, the house is not clean enough, the kids don't get to do enough etc..
Well I have really been struggling with my mommy guilt lately. Mainly the last 2 weeks! As some may know my youngest child Carsen had gotten diagnosed with Kawasaki Disease at the end of May. You can read all about our nightmare here: Kawasaki part 1 & here Kawasaki Part 2
Anyhow- since the hospital Carsen has good day's & bad days some day's he is really happy & will play but the second I get to far from him he looses it & has an epic meltdown.
On his bad day's I can't set him down without crying, he wants to be on my hip 24/7. I hold him because I know he is upset & having a bad day & because those day's I also notice he has trouble walking he falls down more on his bad day's. Which I'm pretty sure is attributed to joint pain. As it is a symptom of Kawasaki!
I find myself paying most of my attention to Carsen because I feel he needs me the most. He was in the hospital, he was very sick & were waiting to see how his heart is doing! Maybe it's my fear that something will happen to him. I need him to know how much I love him & how special he is.
But what does this do cause my mom guilt, I'm not giving my other 2 precious boy's the attention they deserve, I'm not balancing my time properly! I kind of hate myself right now because while to Carsen I may be being super mom. To Aiden & Brycen I'm being crappy mom! (insert my guilt)
I go to bed at night & feel awful I should have played more with Aiden & Brycen today! Though all their needs are still met & we still play. I still feel it's not enough. I feel sometimes I push them to the side & instead of sitting down with them to craft I just let them do their thing & tend to Carsen.
I used to balance them all so well they all got equal time & I would take them each alone on little trips with me. But lately I am so consumed in Carsen & worried for him, that all I want to do is cuddle & hold him.
I don't want my other 2 boy's to grow up & think oh he was mom's favorite! I love them all equally. I don't want them to resent their baby brother because he got more of my attention. I want my boy's to all grow up & feel they all were loved & cared for equally.
So why is this so hard? Why.. when I know what I need to do to make me feel better am I still struggling? I really hope in a couple weeks we get good news so maybe I wont be so obsessed (not sure if that's the right word) with Carsen. Maybe July 15 will bring me some peace of mind so I wont live in fear for my baby's heart! Though even if it's good news we still may have other health concerns for him.
Mom guilt sucks! It is such an awful feeling!
Are you struggling with mom guilt?